Not sure where I belong?

silkchaos · ... Joined: 11 Aug 2006 Posts: 10029 Location: Upstate NY

HE is probalby also worried about you.. And if he is still important to you with the baby coming.

I could see your heading to the beach while he was preparing for MIL's visit - to be something that could contribute to that thought.
_________________

Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head?
I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing.
I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.
~ Green Eggs and Hamlet ~

thatgirl · Member Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 440

Last night T and I had one of our major arguments where we end of fighting over fifty different things. He left around 5 or so to stop at his aunt and uncle's to pick something up and then didn't get home until 10. He always does there - where he leaves to do something quick and is gone for hours on end without simply sending a simple text to let me know what is going on. I have no problem with him staying over there, but it's just rude and inconsiderate to not send a message telling me he's hanging out there.

His rationale is that he thought I was sleeping and didn't want to wake me. He doesn't understand that it's not just this one instance, it's that he ALWAYS does this and I just find it so unbelievable rude.

I am just annoyed today..

Miss Kate · Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:08 pm

echo · Member Joined: 23 Jan 2008 Posts: 4749

Kate makes a great point.

You could also just think in your head anytime he goes there it will be for hours and work around that, then if he gets home sooner, bonus. Yanno?

Besides that it is rude that he does not tell you what he is doing, is there a hidden something in there, like were you afraid he was not going to return?
_________________
It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.
— Anonymous

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
— James Thurber

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
— Victor Frankl

thatgirl · Member Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 440

I feel like I should just accept that he has a tendency to do this, and if and when he someday informs me of what is going on, it will be a nice surprise. I just find this whole issue ridiculously silly because it's just normal procedures to let T know if I have changed plans or will be out later than expected.

I don't think that I am afraid he won't return. I think it's more of an issue that I don't feel respected. It's such a simple thing to do that it bothers me he can't just let me know what is going on.

I think a part of it for him is he just doesn't see the need to let me know.

Well we are off for an overnight trip. Maybe this will help things as we haven't really had any time away together at all.

sld · Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 3:32 pm

hitmark · Member Joined: 29 Jul 2010 Posts: 15

Congratulations. May your love grow and your marriage carries on for long. Why not you read a good but about marriage relationship?

hitmark · Member Joined: 29 Jul 2010 Posts: 15

thatgirl · Member Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 440

Our weekend trip went really well. T isn't usually one to take trips as a priority, but he has mentioned taking another trip several times since we got back. He has even brought up conversations that we need to ensure we take trips together after we have the baby. It means a lot to me that he is even saying this because I have told him that I need to actually hear from him that he wants to spend time with me. He has also never initiated a trip together.

Other than that things have been going well.

We even had a talk last night about finances and I think that went well too! Starting in Sept. we are living off just his salary and I am going to put my checks into savings, which will be my money while I am off with the baby. As much as I don't love the idea of relying on T for money, and to pay ALL of my bills, and ours, I think it will be a good journey for us. We are both so incredibly financially independent and this will force us to be more on the same page.

I also think it might help T because as mentioned with other situations, he is a classic provider. I think it will make him feel good about himself doing this.

sld · Posted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 3:40 pm

thatgirl · Member Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 440

I feel so stuck right now, without any possible solutions and I really need some advice.

I've mentioned before that T and I have very different views of dealing with finances in a marriage. It came up in heated argument last night and I am really sick of dealing with it. I need another perspective, a way to deal with this, or something to stop the constant arguments over money. Basically, here is where we are:

T makes a lot more money than I do. He works in a factory, so he can work a ton of overtime and make loads of money. If I said to him that he makes more than I do, he would respond that he does only because he works more - going in on weekends, working overnights etc. Because he makes more, he has a ton of money in his own savings account and owns a Charger that he is putting a lot of money into. It's his project car, and I respect that he has something to keep him occupied, but will admit that I am a bit jealous that I don't have something like that and CAN'T ultimately have something like that because I won't ever have that kind of extra cash to devote to something like that.

So, he basically feels like because he works more to earn more, he can do what he wants to with his money. None of it is "our" money.

I feel the exact opposite. I am a teacher, so am on a fixed salary although I make a decent amount. I work in an afterschol program during the school year 2-4 extra hours a week, and that's about 20 dollars per hour. But, other than that there really isn't a lot of opportunities for me to make extra like him. I could find work in the summer, but the last few years with teachers losing jobs left and right, it would be impossible to find a teaching job. I suppose I could work retail or something, but a) I need a mental break and b) I do go into school and work on a variety of things over the summer and two of those things I get paid to do.

Anyway, I feel like our money should be all "ours" regardless of who makes it. Sure, I feel like having our own accounts for our own personal stuff is good because I wouldn't want to live having to report to him everything I spend my money on, but feel the majority of our money should be spent and decided on how we spend it together.

Any advice on how to proceed and live with two different - polar opposite - philosophies on dealing with finances?

thatgirl · Member Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 440

To be more specific with the argument last night he was telling me he was going to buy the nursery furniture this weekend because he is selling his jet ski Thursday after work. He's getting 1600 for the jet ski, and the nursery furniture is about 1000. So that means he's have 600 dollars to do whatever he personally wants with.

To be honest, this just upsets me because I have to pinch and save in order to purchase extra stuff for the house or for the baby. By selling his jet ski, he doesn't even have to go into his own savings, but is adding MORE to it (this 600). It just doesn't seem fair that I am scrounging and he has all this money.

Financially, I feel like I keep ending up in bad situations. After my divorce, I lost a lot of money I had saved. Then I had to start over and living on my own didn't really allow to save anything. Then when I lived with T I was primarily saving for the wedding, which was cancelled and I lost a lot of money with downpayments. Then I bought my house last summer, and had to start over again. I am 30 years old and really just starting to get my own finances in order while my husband has boat loads of money saved. It's just annoying to me.

I am just not like that at all. If the roles were reversed, I would be sharing all my money with him. I don't like the mine vs. his thing and never have.

Ugh! What do I do here?